Professor Scott Stanley, a social scientist at the University of Denver, studies the nature of commitment in intimate relationships. He claims that there seems to be a
fundamental human drive to seek and be in a relationship that has this quality of “us”
So, what does he mean? What is he saying a healthy couple partnership looks like?
Scott describes it as a relationship with a healthy amount of “we-ness”, where two individuals are committed to each other and “portray a healthy, clear sense of us, while retaining a clear understanding that there are two separate individuals”. He contrasts this with other models of relationships where one identity in a couple relationship is obliterated by the other, and another model where some of a couple’s identity is connected but without having yet developed that sense of “us”.
You can read more about Scott’s concept of “we-ness” and couple identity in this article reproduced by the Institute of Family studies.
At Family Matters York we love to support couples through our Reconnect service, to develop this healthy sense of “us” in their relationships.
No individual or couple relationship is perfect: every relationship involves two imperfect partners coming together and it is what we do from there that matters.
Our Reconnect sessions seek to support couples to build stronger, more connected relationships. We feel strongly that the health of relationships does not need to be left to chance and that with commitment, trust and investment from both individuals in a relationship, a healthy sense of “us” can be developed.
We’re behind Scott when he suggests
two imperfect partners can get pretty far in life if they nurture the sense of “us with a future”
We can develop this sense of “us” when we learn to communicate more effectively with each other, and when we each seek to really hear and understand our partner’s perspective on a subject. Rather than beat our own drum, there is opportunity to share at a deeper level and build connection between us.
Seeking to ‘hear’ each other’s perspective for our relationship’s sake can also help us resolve conflict more effectively and come up with ‘us’ solutions that don’t rely on one partner winning at the expense of the other. As one of our Support couples recently illustrated with a cushion prop (watch from 02:19), when we put a problem out in front of us it becomes our problem to solve together rather than an excuse for attacking one another:
There are other ways we can nurture “us with a future”. When we proactively love each other in the way we each crave to be loved, we can build love and trust in our relationship and deepen our emotional connection with each other. When we know and meet our partner’s emotional needs on a day-to-day basis, we build on our commitment to each other by actively supporting each other.
When we choose to forgive each other when we get it wrong, we can build “us with a future”. We’re not saying it’s okay to hurt each other or that there are no consequences to being hurt, but we can choose to not let these mistakes get in the way of “us with a future”. We can choose our relationship, our ‘us’ over ‘my’ hurt.
Scott concludes his article:
for those who want the “us” in their life, they will have to look for a relationship with the right balance of me and we, and then invest in protecting it. Two perfect partners are rarely joining as one, but two imperfect partners can get pretty far in life if they nurture the sense of “us with a future”.
For more information on how Reconnect can help you to invest in your relationship, please contact emmamarshall@fmy.org.uk
All quotations are from Scott M. Stanley‘s article, @DECIDEORSLIDE reproduced by the Institute of Family studies, here.